The typical Indian Male

What if an alien were to closely observe Indian male and send a report back home?

Identification: These people are a subset of biped human male… usually, these species can be identified by the three convex surfaces they are made up of… namely, a protruding belly, a protruding pair of buttocks and a naked baldhead.

Characteristics: These people are never happy by nature; they always wear a serious look on their face. They never smile at people even if they see them on a daily basis unless (a) they are expecting some favor, or (b) they are so powerful that these hope that they will grant them a favor in future.

Everyone who did a school level course in physics understands what an ‘equilibrium state’ is… essentially it’s a state of rest a certain body goes to and stays there as long it is left undisturbed. Such a state for these people is ‘gloom’ or ‘seriousness’. Unless otherwise posed with situations that make them sufficiently happy, they gravitate back to their equilibrium state of being resentful or serious. No one knows why that is.

They find the word ‘thanks’ as precious as a radiologist would find a chunk of enriched uranium. And the word ‘sorry’… forget it. You’re not going to get it from them unless you have a gun pointing at their head and u go Godfather style, saying either their brains or the word ‘sorry’ will be coming out of them.

They take a special interest in people with ‘fair’ skin. They are attracted to them. They are served with utmost devotion and attention… perhaps; it’s the same attribute that led to British ruling India for a couple of centuries.

They never accept that they do not know something. They know everything. They would interrupt you when you’re saying something… saying that they know it. They don’t even care to verify whether it’s the same thing as they are thinking it is. Besides, its blasphemous to utter the words ‘I don’t know’… they find it as disgusting as the body odor of a coal miner after a day’s shift.

They stay in a state of ‘rush’ all the day. Actually, for these people, ‘rush’ is ‘normal’. They rush to office in the morning, breaking all possible traffic rules and let alone any hint of road sense. Then they rush to pantry to get their coffee, without any heed towards people who were already there. Then they rush to lunch and rush through it, and then they rush back home through the traffic again. They just don’t understand the word ‘waiting’ or ‘queue’. It’s not their style of doing things. More interestingly, they tow their luggage to the compartment door in a train, before the train reaches the station. If the train has a 2 second halt, it might make sense… no, they do this even when that particular station is the terminus for the train.

Some of them are cultured and well-mannered only so long as they are being watched by people whose opinion they think matters to them. The same fella, who carefully folds a food wrapper and drops in the dustbin in presence of his colleagues, throws it away right on the road or pavement when walking alone J

For most men, all kids are not lovely kids. The kids of well-to-do parents are treated differently than those of poor parents. Now its common worldwide that a rich guy is treated better than a poor guy… but the treatment I’m talking about is not at that levels. This is the general ‘sweet talk’ stuff with the kids. Even that, is biased based on the monetary grounds of their parents. A kid of poor parents is frowned upon for the same innocent gestures that the rich kid was praised about. And a little mention about Indian Women as the need arises now… They talk about everything, everywhere. Trains, buses, parks, gyms, any place you name… They meet people on train and irrespective of the intimacy they share, with no guarantees of future relationship… they share stuff about everything, their kids, whereabouts, what do they do.. and if the train journey is more than 5-6hours, they would even learn about the other’s health, diabetes, periods, irregular periods, menopause, family planning operations etc. and all of this in the public place, in a voice of an audible range that pierces the ear drums of people a few meters away, and force them to listen even if they are stone deaf. And especially about the kids, why in the hell, should the co-passenger be interested in the flavor of Cerelac this lady’s baby likes?

*transcript ends here… updates soon… *

PS:- In case if you were to find this offending, please talk to that alien.. oh by the way, this is a transcript to be sent home... you shouldnt be reading it anyway. Also, this is about the 'typical' Indian male... You are not that..you sir, are special and unique. :P

It takes a kid to Tango

Author's warning.. the following is away from reality.. like star trek or something.. :)

I cannot ever figure out why women just love kids. I mean not just their own kids, they love every human offspring on the face of the earth. They just go crazy at the sight of kids.. they cannot stop till they have their hands on them and talk all sorts of nonsense. And what about the tone? They want to imitate the way kids speak? Why, oh let me speak like a kid, the little angel would flutter his/her wings and make a star for me. C’mon it doesn’t look good. Its like a full grown man going to office by a tricycle. Actually, even worse.

I get excited when I see cars, good cars such as a Gallardo or a F430 or a Shelby or a Golf GT. I don’t get excited or would want to touch an alto or a hyundai. But women are not like that, they find every kid attractive, every kid wonderful. I don’t know why people are never willing to accept that not all kids are good looking. I mean, if every kid is good looking I bet every woman and man on the face of earth should be. Oh that guy… he has a bent nose, a stoopy eye.. he is umm..whatever.. women come up with all kinds of names for grown humans.. but not for kids. All kids are good looking J.

Don’t take me for being as wicked as that Texan chainsaw guy. I like kids.. but I like them to be around for a while and then go away. Like a good game on pc, come whenever I want it. And I can handle kids of more than 5yrs of age, when they behave as individuals.

And women, I wish to share this event that I witnessed. Probably this would let you think twice the next time you try to hold a kid stranger. I was traveling by train to home from Bangalore. This lady sitting in front of me has 3 little angels (pun intended). They were probably born at 1yr intervals. Another middle-aged lady sitting a little further away was so impressed by these kids (it’s a reflex). She started talking all sorts of nonsense like ‘sweetie you gotto say good morning to your brother when you get up’ .. ‘ try it out now.. say good morning to sonny’ so on. This went on for more than half an hour. The kids were playing among themselves without any response to this lady. The lady should have taken this as a cue and stopped. But you know the ladies… kids are the eye candy. So she went on saying such stuff. Finally, the youngest of the three, probably still in pre-nursery turned around to the lady and said “ Oye inkosaari mataadaavante ninnu champesi bayata padesta” (that’s in verbatim, meaning.. lady if you blabber any more, I’ll kill you and throw you away).

That came as a shock to her and she slept taking coke. Although coke contains caffeine, it could do nothing to the anesthesia the angel blessed her with J

So all you ladies and (a few nancy men) beware!! Kids nowadays are not like you and I were. They are smart, they watch hell lot of movies and they even follow every conversation that happens at home. They are more grown up than we estimate they are. Don’t you mess with them, they would say like Dirty Harry.. do you feel lucky? What do you think???? Punk!!

This is life... or is this life?

The otherday, i was watching a movie... wherein, the hero tells a theory, that when you close your eyes, the color you see describes the mental stature.. i have read something like this when i was young in some 'introduction to psychology' book.. i say 'some' because there would be millions of books on this title over amazon..

anyhow, so i close my eyes and the color i see is YELLOW. Later, i came to know that yellow means happy and pleasant state of mind. But that day, actually i was stressed because of a set of meeting that are going to follow over the next few days. That made me think, am I really stressed? or have I really seen yellow color?

And a train of thoughts followed.. what is it that i'm thinking? what is it that i really want? what is it that i really want to do? how do i want to lead a life? I took on everything with an ounce of suspicion and none could really stand such scrutiny.

Infact, wat is it that one really wants? Say, whatever.. what do you mean by really want? Do you mean that one cannot exist without it? I dont believe in that.. thats not possible.. Life is so robust to such discomforts. We think that this is one person, one career ambition, one goal, without who/which, we cannot live.. but then we live on. Life is too insensitve.

How I wonder sometimes, that I wish I were to be as matured as I'm now, a few years ago.. how I find some incidents embarassing in the past.. how I wish I were to know the future before making such a decision.. but all those are just thoughts.. and i'm sure i'll be thinking the same for every year to come.. they never happen, time says, you are never really right.. nor your definition of right is really right.. you never know, no one knows.. that is life.

So how do I rate myself ? As far as I can see, I'm an unstable, emotional, often changing, self-centered, egotistic, mediocre who falls in the vast set of 'normal' people of the same qualities. Just another living being.